Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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