So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
zippers are such a cool invention
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
