i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
