You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
