Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
