I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
