She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
