If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
