gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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