She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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