If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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