I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
