I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
