Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
