Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize