Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
