she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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