you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
