i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
