Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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