u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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