Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
