How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
