Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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