I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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