i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
