my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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