Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
