Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it was like eating out sand paper
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
