You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
