i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
