I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
