Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
