Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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