smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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