We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Drake has all the answers
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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