I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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