Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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