She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
