Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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