I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
