Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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