Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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