Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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