So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
