i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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