If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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