btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
