we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
