I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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